I've just sent Mishah these pictures of Marta (and one more) - and suddenly it struck me: I have to write emails to keep in touch with my own husband, again. I mean, he wasn't my husband then, but it's irrelevant. And now I sort of feel it's my duty to send him Marta's pictures - to let him have a tiny fraction of the fun I'm having. This arrangement definitely sucks, but I have to be patient: I'm not going back to Moscow in summer. No way.
Another point I've realized I have to make: I don't want to use Mishah as an excuse for my not replying to emails and not writing here, but I will - because he is part of the reason. Writing to him is the priority, and it's also like keeping a journal, and then there is the Global Voices writing and translations, and then I end up with so many unanswered letters and week-long gaps on this blog...
To all of you who haven't heard back from me but still stop by here for some reason - please please please forgive me! I feel very, very guilty for not writing and can't do anything about it. It's not that I don't want to or have nothing to say. I just can't.
(Whisper: will it possibly get better, now that I've dumped all this guilt out in the open?..)
Hey it's the first baby, isn't it? I spent a lot of time trying to do career and baby and trying not to feel guilty about whatever I didn't do.
ReplyDeleteSomewhere I have a picture of me breastfeeding while typing on a computer to finish my PhD thesis on a six months sabbatical/maternity leave. At the time I thought I was being clever.
My kids now think it was funny, early computer training, so they had a head start, drunk in with the mother's milk. And that bit certainly worked!
Now I look back and think I was just daft and had my priorities wrong. You seem to have it sorted better.
By the second baby, I realised that most people can't keep up with life anyway for whatever reason. It's great to be able to have time for the baby, because that time never comes back.
Don't feel guilty, just explain the priorities for the moment.